Why do ducks have tails?
To cover their butt quacks
Garrett's Favorite Jokes
For a few months, Garrett and his dad would call each other and share some of the best (and worst) dad jokes with each other. Garrett kept these on a note on his phone along with a few pick up lines. We hope you have a good laugh!
The Best of Garrett's Jokes:
My old girl friend asked if I would help her with algebra homework.
I told her I did not want to solve for ex.
What kind of boats to college students travel on?
Scholar-ships
Why did the sun not go to college?
It already had a million degrees.
Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it
"Do not touch" is the scariest thing to read in braille.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed some space.
I went to a restaurant on the moon!
The food was great but there was no atmosphere.
A Mexican magician said, "And now for my next trick, I will disappear without a trace.
Uno, dos…” and then he ran off the stage.
They are building a community pool where I live. They knocked on my dad’s door and asked for a donation.
He gave them a glass of water.
My parents got gym memberships. Dad wanted to meet Mom at the gym but she never showed up.
He says, “Garrett, I don't think your mom and I are gonna work out.”
Why don't blind people ever skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs
The other day I met the guy who invented 0.
I told him thanks for nothing.
So I went to the doctor today. He told me I had something called the peek a boo virus.
He sent me straight to the ICU.
What's the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
What do you call a judgmental criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending
An olive fell off the table and the other olive asked if he was okay.
He said “Olive.”
Why did the chicken go to church every Sunday?
Because he wanted to taktagaahhd
What do you call a night that refuses to fight?
Sir Render.
Your mom asked me to pick up six cans of sprite the other day.
When I got home I realized I picked 7 up.
I met the guy who invented the knock knock joke today.
Did know he won a no bell prize?
A preacher and a taxi driver get to heaven. Peter greats them and shows them their houses. The taxi driver had a big mansion. The preacher gets a shack.
The preacher complains and Peter tells him, “While you were preaching, everyone was sleeping. While the taxi driver was driving, they were praying for their safety.”
Your mom worships me.
She gives me burnt offerings at dinner.
My wife said to me, “Why don't you take me out like when we were dating?” I said okay, so we went to a movie, dinner, and got ice cream.
Then I dropped her off at her parents house
Somebody called me on the phone earlier, sneezed, coughed and hung up.
I'm getting sick of all these cold calls.
Speaking of, if you cough and sneeze at the same time, your body takes a screenshot.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went to college?
Bison
I went to a play the other day that was about the dictionary.
It was a play on words
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
So fish-stickated
“What song do you smart people sing in the shower?”
“I don't know.”
“Yeah I didn't think you would.”
You're American when you walk in and out of the bathroom, but what are you when you're in the bathroom?
European.
David got his ID stolen yesterday.
Now I just call him Dave.
Your mom accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
“Knock knock.”
“Ashley.”
Ashley, I forgot.
What type of school do surfers go to?
Boarding school
What are surfers; favorite type of socks?
Tube socks
What detergent do you use to wash wetsuits?
Tide.
Why do surfers eat cold food?
Because they hate microwaves.
What did one turtle say to another turtle when he caught a good wave?
That was turtley tubular!
Surfer one: Hey, I got a new longboard for my wife.
Surfer two: Great trade!
Have you heard of the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye.
What’s the difference between iron man and aluminum man?
Iron man stops the bad guys, aluminum man just foils their plan.
The dog ate a bag of scrabble tiles today.
We sent him to the vet… no word yet.
In Mexico, they say the walk from my house to the bar takes 5 minutes, but the walk from the bar to my house takes 45 minutes.
The difference is staggering.
Your mom has forbidden me from making anymore breakfast puns.
She says if I do… I'm toast.
Mini Dave keeps egging me on… He’s such a ham.
My wife wanted to name our baby girl Alexis.
I told her we should name her Asubaru.
My friend is starting a business that helps short people learn math.
She calls it making the little things count.
I mustache you a question,
but I'll shave it for later
A blonde tries to buy a TV.
It's a microwave
What did one cell say to her sister when she stepped on her toe?
Mytosis
Women can't get a job at the post office.
It’s a mail dominated industry
After scripture study, my daughter asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I was devastated. Nine years old and she doesn’t even know my name is Bryan.
How did Jonah feel when he was swallowed by the whale?
Down in the mouth.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot
Did all of the creatures on the ark come in pairs?
No. The worms came in apples.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
“Wah saw B!?”
They passed a law in Hawaii that you can't laugh above a certain decibel.
Now it's just aló ha.
How do gophers dig holes?
They just gopher it.
My printers name is Bob Marley
because it always be jammin’.
How much did the chimney cost?
Free, cuz it's on the house
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
Then I woke up and realized it was just a fantasy
What did the drummer name their twin daughters?
And a 1 and a 2
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
I don't trust stairs,
they're always up to something.
Batman and Robin are in the Batcave and the Batmobile won't start. Robin says check the battery.
Batman says what's a terry?
The kid asked his dad to make him soup.
He said okay, but I don't think you'll fit in the pot!
I asked my dad if he could teach me to drive stick.
He said okay, but we should start with a car first
I put syrup on my shopping list,
now it's all sticky
People are shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
What do you call a man jumping up and down in the water?
Bob
The guy says to the girl, “What type of engagement ring do you want?”
She says, “One just like you. Cheap and round.”
My dog ate my ring and coughed it out.
There was a diamond in the ruff
How does a turtle cross the freeway? You take the f out of free and the f out of way.
There's no f in way
I got an email about how to read maps backwards.
It was spam.
Don't tell me a funny cat joke or I'll puma pants
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
Because if they fell forwards, they would still be on the boat.
If someone from Holland married a Filipino,
would their kids be Jalapenos?
Why did the Mexican take meds?
For Hispanic attacks.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila
Knowledge is knowing tomatoes is a fruit,
but wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad
The Best of Garrett's Pick-Up Lines:
She's so hot she eats bread and craps out toast
What does happiness start with? H?
Nah baby, it starts with you
I know you don’t like raisins so how about a date?
I’m good at algebra, I could replace your X and you wouldn’t need to figure out Y.
Hey babe! You want to read the scriptures with me later?
I put the “stud” in bible study.
I think I have the spirit of prophecy.
I can see you and I together.
Dang my eyes are so sore.
Busy looking at you all the time.
Do you know what this shirt is made of?
Boyfriend material.
I'm a fortune teller. Let me see your hand…
In the near future, I can see us together. *Hold the hand*
Hey, I have something for you.
*Hold her hand.*
Let’s compare hand sizes.
*Hold the hand.*
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign, because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
Bonjour... Oh you don't speak French?
That is unfortunate because I became fluent in the language of love just by looking at you.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string enough words together to properly express how beautiful you are.
I am really good at hide and seek…
because a guy like me is hard to find.
If you were a booger, I'd pick you
Are you a keyboard?
Because you are just my type
Hawaii is breathtaking.
Almost as breathtaking as you girl.
Hey yo girl, are you from Utah?
Because I think Utah bomb
Hey yo girl are you a camera?
Because every time I look at you I smile
Hey yo girl are you a banana?
Because I find you a peeling
Even if I had a liahona, I would still get lost in your eyes
Are you a loan?
Because you certainly have my interest.
Did it hurt when you fell from the vending machine?
Because you're a snack?
I love your curves, but my favorite is your smile.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Or should I walk by again?
Did your license get suspended for driving all these boys crazy?
Your eyes are bluer than the pacific ocean.
I wouldn't mind getting lost at sea
I'm not good at holding conversations,
so can I hold your hand?
I'm pretty good with math,
give me your number and I'll show you what I can do.
I'm not 14 but I'm the one four you.
Science is so fake. They say the sun is the hottest thing in our universe,
but obviously it's you.